Hey Baby

I remember when I first found out about you. I took five pregnancy tests and cried when I told your daddy. I feel so bad about that now. It wasn't that I regretted you; it was the timing of it. Once it settled in, I felt extremely excited about you. I had a scare with you very early on. I started bleeding heavily, but everything was okay. You have no idea how relieved I was. Your dad was so sweet and sat at the hospital all day with me. The doctor told me that it would probably be best if I did miscarry because I have Lupus. I should've punched him.

My first real ultrasound was absolutely surreal. You were there on the screen moving around like crazy...so small at 10 weeks and 2 days. I already loved you, but it was then that I absolutely fell in love with you. I couldn't believe that something so amazing was going on inside of me.

I started having severe morning sickness with you almost immediately up until delivery, but I REALLY regret ever complaining about it. You were worth every minute of it. I wish I would've forced down those yucky prenatal vitamins even though they made me sick. I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference...but sometimes I wonder.

I remember hearing your heartbeat at 14 weeks and again at 18 weeks; it was strong & fast. My midwife predicted that you were a girl, but I knew all along that you were a boy. I told your dad that a million times :) I was still very anxious about getting the gender determination so I could start a registry. I bugged everyone about it for weeks, lol.

The first time I felt you kick at 15 weeks was crazy. I seriously think you would've made a great football player lol. I wonder if you would've liked sports. I wonder what you would've liked in general. Would you have enjoyed music? Would you have liked to read?

At 20 weeks, I finally got the BIG ultrasound. Your daddy went with me. It was confirmed: you were a boy! When the midwife started talking about heart and bowel problems, my excitement was diminished to worry. I regretted skipping the genetic testing. I kept blaming myself. At the high risk doctor, I got to see you on the ultrasound for almost an hour. I saw you suck your thumb and almost started crying at the mere thought of you having some health issue. You were so cute, and it broke my heart that I couldn't protect you from this. They looked at your heart over and over again and finally announced that you had no heart problems. I was relieved. However, she was concerned about the cyst-type figure in your bowel. She wanted to see me back in 4 weeks; she did say she wasn't completely concerned. I convinced myself that everything would be okay because God had it under control.

That weekend, your daddy and I registered at Babies'R'Us. He picked out what he thought was "manly" looking stuff and went a little crazy with the scangun. I was anxious to start planning a baby shower so we could start setting everything up for you. I was excited for November so I could actually hold you and raise you. Your dad was finally able to feel you kick, which I think shocked him. He had seen it on the screen, but now, he could feel it.

I'm sorry I couldn't prevent that next Tuesday from happening. I felt you kicking and thought everything was okay. I don't know if you could hear me talk, but I tried to talk to you a lot that Tuesday when I started bleeding. I told you everything would be okay, but I was wrong. I hope you didn't suffer during that long night of labor. I hope you weren't scared. I'm sorry I didn't kiss you when I held you. It just wasn't the same. You weren't really there...you weren't the same baby that had kicked at my insides and sucked his thumb on the screen. You had left me already.

I missed you so much the first night you were gone. You were always so active when I wanted to lay down & go to sleep. I felt completely empty. Your dad was sad, too, but he was very supportive and helpful towards me.

Matthew, I want you to know that I would've traded places with you. It's hard to be here without you now. People have asked me if I wanted to try again, but I feel like if I did that I would be trying to replace you or fill that void in my heart for you. I know that you are in a better place, but I selfishly want you here with me. Anyways, I should go for now. Remember that you are always on my mind, and I can't wait until I can hold you again. I miss you, and I love you with all my heart. MUAH!