It's been 4 weeks exactly since you left me, and the nightmare still continues for me. As cliche as it may sound, I miss you more than anything in the world. You were the last thing on my mind last night and the first thing on my mind this morning. If I wouldn't have caught that infection, you'd be 25 weeks and one day, which is one week past the point of viability. I'm sorry that I keep thinking about "what if?" It really plagues me, though.
Your daddy is going to Atlanta tomorrow, but I'm not going with him now. It'll be the first night I've been alone in a long time, and I'm dreading it. I know you're watching over me, though.
Last night, a coworker decided to start talking to me about you. You'll be proud because I didn't break down as I have with my family and your daddy. She wanted to say she understood what I was going through because she miscarried her son's twin early on. I wanted to cry and shout that it wasn't the same because she still had a son. I, on the other hand, carried my first and only son for 21 weeks, delivered him, and held his lifeless body. I'll never even hear my son cry. I'm sorry I feel so bitter. It's not fair because you're in Heaven, now, and that's way better than here. I just wanted a chance to raise you. I was polite to her, though, and listened to her story. She kept dragging on about it and said one day I'd have my chance again.
On a more positive note, your daddy received a call from the police department and has another interview today. I told your cousins, Brianne, Shelby, and Olivia, and they couldn't believe he wants to be a cop, lol. I wish you could've met those girls; you would've loved them. You have another cousin that would've been closer to your age, also. Her name is Amaris. She's so sweet, and I think you would've played together a lot :) Anyways, your dad is very nervous about the interview so watch over him. I know you already are, though.
I'm going to straighten up your grave sometime soon. I know it's probably shambles, now. I'm sorry we couldn't afford anything better. We'll be saving up to get a headstone put on it, though...I promise. Allison offered to help me fix it up all nice. You would've loved your Aunt Allison, also. She's very nice. She lost two twins and a daughter in the past couple of years. I know you're probably up there playing with them right now. Tell Alexander, Damien, and Chloe I said hello :)
Well, sweetie, I need to straighten up the house for your dad's interview(it's at the house...weird, right?). I'll be thinking about you as always. I miss you & love you with all my heart & soul! MUAH!!
**Update 7/29/10 at 5:21 a.m.:
Hey baby,
Your daddy's interview went great. He has a couple of exams and interviews to go, though. Keep watching over him :)
Oh yeah, we visited your grave. Our flowers were dead, of course, but I'm going to put some satin? flowers on there that should last longer.
Your dad just left for Alpharetta, so I'm going to go back to sleep. It's hard falling asleep without you so we'll see how it goes falling asleep with both you and your daddy gone. I'll write to you soon. I love you with all my heart! *muah!*
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