I started reading the book, "I Will Carry You," by Angie Smith. It's about a woman who finds out that her baby isn't compatible with life, but continues to carry her pregnancy to full-term anyways; it's a truly extraordinary story. While she is pregnant, she and her family try to make as many memories with the baby as possible. She starts to note all these little things about her baby like the way her baby kicks her when she's eating a pb&j sandwich. It reminded me of all the little things that I remember about you.
I remember your favorite time to kick me was while I was eating. At one of the ultrasounds, your feet were going up towards my stomach. It was your favorite position, I think. I let you listen to classical music a lot. I would put the headphones up to my belly. You kicked sometimes, but I'm not sure if it was because you liked or disliked it. And when your daddy would rub my belly and whisper to you, you would kick. I'm almost positive it's because you knew it was him :) I remember seeing you suck your thumb on the ultrasound screen...you were so active and so precious. I cherish those little memories that I have because they're all I know of you.
The mother in the book discusses her grief and faith in God. I will not lie and say that I have had unfailing faith in God. The truth is that I have been on the edge since Allison lost her twins. My need to believe that there is a Heaven that you reside in has been the only thing to keep me from falling into the abyss of disbelief. I know that sounds horrible...that my belief and my faith should be situational, but I have sat alone trying to hear God and have felt nothing. I have heard nothing. I ached and longed to have answers. She talked about her nights of weeping and pleading with God: "On dark nights when the rest of the neighborhood was asleep, I was awake, battling my brokenness and asking Him why He wouldn't come." It sounds like me, but my anger has been much worse. I'm so jealous, bitter, angry, and sad. Some days are okay, but some days are bad. It's like a never-ending grieving process. She put some Bible verses in her book that have caught my eye:
*Isaiah 43:1-3*
But now, this is what the Lord says- He who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
I'm sitting here ruminating over the verses and the words I have read so far. I realize that I have been on the brink of losing of faith completely. I have definitely questioned what kind of God would watch a mom hold her dying baby. I have been at the point where I have felt like God had failed me. I haven't spoken any of this aloud. I haven't brought it to God. Just because I didn't pray about it or say anything about it didn't mean that it wasn't there or that God didn't know how I felt. I could never hide that from Him.
I need to realize, even though I don't like to hear other people say it, that you are in a better place. I can only imagine this life and what happens in the present. Just know that though I have been selfishly grieving in silence, I rejoice that you are in Heaven, and I know that you are watching over me. I miss you, and I love you with all my heart. *muah!*
I couldn't help but tear up, especially, over this entry. It's easy to wander into the darkness and leave the light of God behind. You feel alone. You wonder how the God that you believed in could be so cruel as to take child (or children) away from a mother who loves that child. Especially when there are undeserving mothers and fathers that have beautiful, healthy children. But as a wise person use to argue with others when questioning God by using the suffering of other people, "Without suffering there could be no compassion" And we find that this is true. The hardest time to accept this is when we're going through something as terrible as what you went through (and will be going through for the rest of your life) with Matthew. Which is probably why I don't really go to church as much as I should. I feel like I've shown my faith in God by staying true to him throughout all the pain and suffering I've gone through in the past two years with my losses. I've proven to God and myself that my faith is still strong and I would say even stronger now than it ever has been. I don't think that by going to church necessarily proves that you're faithful. Nor by following religion blindly. But by having life experiences such as ours and finding a way to draw closer to God through the experience, even if the experience itself makes us question our faith or our God. We end up closer to God through our hardship. I was getting kind of worried about you with your faith and how it was going to be affected by losing Matthew, but I'm glad you are finding it possible to still hold on to your beliefs and I pray that this does help bring you closer to God. It's not really going to get easier. I wish I could tell you it would, but I feel for my children as I did the day I lost them, but I can accept it. I can accept that I will see them one day. But you can't have someone else tell you that. You have to accept that on your own terms. It's like someone else telling you not to feel grief because you'll see them again. That's impossible. We will be grieving our children until we see them again. Anyways. This comment ended up way longer than I thought it would be. Basically I just wanted to tell you I'm here if you need anything. I know that God will show you signs that he is here for you as well.
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