When you have a baby...

Little kids choose random times to bring up things sometimes.  My sister had her rainbow baby in December 2010, and that baby is doing wonderful at a little over 5 months old now.  My other nieces(ages 4, 7, & 8) love her so much.  So, we were all sitting around at my parents' house yesterday.  My 7 year old niece wanted to come over to my house, but it was getting a little late.  I try to stay on my husband's schedule, which is morning shift, so we go to sleep kind of early. I was trying to explain that to her.  My sister laughed and said she was on her daughter's schedule.  That's when my niece said, "When you have a baby, you'll be on his schedule, too.  You're going to name him Joshua, right?"

I didn't realize that she didn't know about what happened.  The only one of them that I sat down and talked to about it was my 8 year old niece because she asked if we were having a baby shower a few weeks after we lost Joshua.  I thought they were all told about it before we went on the March of Dimes walk by my brother or ex sister in law.  I didn't want to upset my niece or make myself upset so I just shook my head no...looked at my husband and said, "I like the name Elijah now."  That way I got out of explaining that to my niece, and I could work my name choice for a future rainbow baby on my husband :)

By the way, today is cycle day 28 for me.  I think I'm about 5 dpo, and this two week wait is killing me. I'm really tempted to test this Thursday or Friday, but hopefully, I can hold out until CD 36(Memorial Day).  I keep telling myself that I'll feel better or the grief will be easier once I get a BFP, but I don't really believe that.  There's no replacing my sons.