*I keep holding onto you, but I can't bring you back to life*

It's been nine months since we lost Matthew; it doesn't feel like it has been that long.  Am I really a mother to two angels?  I remember the naive relief of making it to 20 weeks with Matthew. I thought Wow, maybe I will go full term.  I remember his little kicks and his rapid heartbeat when they checked it.  I remember Daniel's face when he felt Matthew move for the first time...I can't get that out of my head.  I remember going with Daniel to make a baby registry at Babies'R'Us the weekend before we lost him.  I wanted to scan every cute thing for him.  I couldn't throw that registry away for the longest time; it felt like I was throwing away a piece of him and our memories away. I found myself still clinging to his stuff, even after I was pregnant with Joshua.  I sort of felt like I was cheating on him by having Joshua, but I know he wanted a little brother. 

I only knew Matthew for 21 weeks, but we bonded so much.  I had his movements memorized.  He was such an active baby boy. When I was pregnant with Joshua, I always joked around saying that Matthew was my spunky little baby while Joshua was my calm, sweet boy.  Matthew had so much life and spirit.  I miss it...I miss him.

So, happy 9 angel months to my first boy, my baby angel.   

I MISS YOU and LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, MATTHEW JAMES PHILLIPS!

"Anthem of Angels"-Breaking Benjamin

White walls surround us
No light will touch your face again
Rain taps the window
As we sleep among the dead

Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye

Cold light above us
Hope fills the heart
And fades away
Skin white as winter
As the sky returns to grey

Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
Then say the last goodbye

You're dead alive

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye